The Common Haggis
Common but notoriously elusive.
Appears on the Scottish mountain-tops, more specifically Haggi Montanus can be found on only the highest mountain of any horizon line.
Identification. Haggi Montanus is defined by a unique adaption to the mountain environment. Evolved on the steepest slopes the species has two legs shorter than the other. This allows the haggis to stand upright on the scree and heather to which it prefers. It is possible to identify sex of the species by the orientation of their legs. Masculine Haggi have shorter left legs and circumnavigate mountains in a counter-clockwise directions. Feminine Haggi have shorter right legs and travel in a clockwise direction. When the pair meet and bump noses a juvenile Haggi (Mcnugget) is born.
Homosexual Haggi prefer to sleep on Peat rather than Heather.
Historically there is little documentation on Haggi Montanus although ancient hunting techniques have been passed down in the folk lore of elderly clansmen…with a tale recounted in a voice as course as 30 grit sandpaper it is told…tae catch a haggis ye must chase wan ontae flat groond…they jist fall over…’ although verification of this source is marred with a haze of whisky.
Rare and illusive.
A marine genus of the species the Haggi Aquaticus is found all across the Scottish coastline. Notoriously illusive the Haggi Aquaticus only ever surfaces on Neep tides and can be captured by throwing a few ‘tatties in to complete a famously complimentary dish.
Unlike the Haggi Montanus the Haggi Aquaticus does not have legs but instead fins. As with any good Scottish seafood Haggi Aquaticus’s most distinguishing feature is a thick layer of natural beer batter.
The Sea Haggis industry boomed at its peak in 1788 where Scottish trawlers, French and Russian vessels competed for large scale dredging and net trawling. At this time the Sea Haggis was a common sight in many inshore waters.
The largest known line caught Sea Haggis was landed in 1964 by Roddie Murdo Macleod on the coast of Uig. Caught using a fresh Dunbar Rover potato the Haggis weighed a colossal 25 pounds or 1 Garve roadside snack van burger.